“If you’re good, I’m good. If you’re not okay, then I’m not either.”

Codependency is exhausting. Feeling like your emotional well-being is dependent on someone else can feel terrifying. And organizing your life around someone else in order to feel the connection you crave, simply… doesn’t… work.

Friends, in this post, we’re going to deconstruct codependency – what it is, how it originates, attachment styles, relational dynamics, and how to break the cycle. Rest assured, I know how sensitive this topic can be. Codependent thoughts, feelings, and behaviors often come from a wounded place, so we’ll be walking through this topic very gently together.

What is Codependency?

In a nutshell, codependency is, “Your mood determines my mood.” Codependency is an inward orientation toward building external intimacy with others. In other words, it’s the practice of making yourself feel better by being overwhelmingly preoccupied with someone else.

Codependency is often the external manifestation of the subconscious belief that by focusing hard enough on what other people are thinking, feeling, saying or doing, you’ll be better able to control or manage the external environment to calm internal anxiety.

Common signs of codependency can include:

1.) Crippling/paralyzing anxiety

2.) Craving constant reassurance/validation

3.) Struggling with decision-making - second guessing yourself

4.) Flip-flopping mood swings - irritable, then clingy

5.) Over-communicating, then going silent

6.) Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions

7.) Rapidly alternating between controlling and avoiding

8.) Overly caring for others while abandoning your own needs

9.) Responding to arguments with anger but then feeling guilty about the anger or anxious about the emotional distance the fight may have caused

The origin of codependency

Ultimately, the root cause of codependency is fear – specifically, a learned, relational fear from very early childhood. If you were unable to develop an appropriate, healthy, and secure attachment to a reliable caregiver, or if you experience significant amounts of rejection at a young age, then an insecure or anxious attachment style can develop, and codependency can manifest in adolescence.

Attachment styles & codependency – A closer look

Individuals with an anxious or insecure attachment style are often more prone to codependent behaviors. Their fear of abandonment, rejection, or not being loved or liked causes them to constantly worry that their deep craving for love and intimacy won’t be equally reciprocated. While this adolescent survival response can work in the short-term to keep you safe, the long-term end result is a dysfunctional relationship.

The Adolescent Chair & codependency

Codependency is a survival skill learned by our Inner Adolescent.

Adolescents have a true and desperate need – not just for love and acceptance – but for relational safety. From the Adolescent Chair, we ask ourselves, “Who do I have to be in order to be loved?” This vulnerability can lead to an overreliance on codependent dynamics as a way to navigate and cope with relational anxieties.

For example, children who grew up in a chaotic household or with an angry parent may have managed their caregiver’s behavior by altering their behavior through mood management.

Mood management is a codependent survival skill that may have helped keep us safe in our adolescent years… but later in life, this survival skill can become maladaptive. Over time, mood management becomes a felt sense of mood responsibility, where you feel responsible for managing the emotional climate of the other person – both for their sake and for your own.

While mood management can create a feeling of ‘okay-ness,’ mood management makes it nearly impossible to connect with others in a healthy and authentic way.

Codependent relational dynamics

In a codependent relationship, one or both individuals may struggle with people pleasing and setting boundaries – both of which can lead to emotional enmeshment. Emotional enmeshment is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where two people are so overly involved in each other’s lives and emotions that they lack individual self-identity and autonomy.

Codependency & narcissism

A codependent individual’s intense desire for relational security and fear of abandonment can lead them to tolerate, and even enable, toxic relational behaviors. They tend to find themselves in relationships where they feel most needed and/or adored – because it makes them feel most secure. However, their strong tendency to prioritize the other’s needs, seek validation, and care for others by ‘rescuing’ them can make them more vulnerable to narcissists who crave relational power, attention, and admiration.

How to heal codependency

Stepping into your Healthy Adult

Individuals who struggle with codependency generally also struggle with self-regulation. The child with an insecure attachment becomes the adolescent relying on codependency for emotional regulation and survival. Healing from codependency is the work of your Healthy Adult – the highest, truest you who steps in to relieve your Inner Adolescent from the burden they never should have had to carry.

This compassionate process involves exploring the emotions that occurred back when these core fear-based beliefs and coping mechanisms took root. We do the work. We find the triggers, acknowledge the survival response, and welcome your Healthy Adult into the conversation. Through exploring and nurturing every part of who we are, we unlearn and release what is no longer serving us and navigate life from the seat of our Healthy Adult.

From this authentic, self-regulated place we discover safe ways to be relationally and emotionally supportive – without being tethered (or controlled) by the emotional status of others.

Summary – Closing thoughts

Learning self-regulation, self-acceptance, and self-love isn’t easy. Healing the wounded self and the hurt parts of who we are is messy and hard – but it’s worth it. When we recognize that our codependent tendencies come from our Inner Adolescent’s unmet needs, we can self-care properly. And self-care leads to self-confidence, which empowers us to protect our emotional energy and relationships with healthy boundaries.

Having a grounded, healthy relationship with a therapist can make all the difference as you unlearn old survival techniques that are no longer serving you. If you’d like compassionate, professional support, please contact me. I’m here for you.

Let’s Connect

Hi there! I’m Jenny, a licensed Holistic Therapist (LISW-CP) and Certified Adult Chair® Master Coach.

I combine both therapy and coaching methodologies to provide my clients with a holistic perspective and the techniques they need to flourish. Rediscovering who you were always meant to be is an act of courage, and radical self-love can turn unconscious paralysis into conscious, authentic growth. Learn more about me here.

What is codependency? Top signs, root causes, and how to heal