“If you’re good, I’m good. If you’re not ok, then I’m not either.”

Codependency is exhausting.Feeling like your emotional wellbeing is dependent on someone else can feel terrifying. And organizing your life around someone else in order to feel the connection you crave, simply… doesn’t… work.

Friends, in this post, we’re going to deconstruct codependency – what it is, how it originates, attachment styles, relational dynamics, and how to break the cycle. Rest assured, I know how sensitive this topic can be. Codependent thoughts, feelings, and behaviors often come from a wounded place, so we’ll be walking through this topic very gently together.

In a nutshell, codependency is, “Your mood determines my mood.” Codependency is an inward orientation toward building external intimacy with others. In other words, it’s the practice of making yourself feel better by being overwhelmingly preoccupied with someone else.

Codependency is often the external manifestation of the subconscious belief that by focusing hard enough on what other people are thinking, feeling, saying or doing, you’ll be better able to control or manage the external environment to calm internal anxiety.

A quick scroll on social media may lead you to believe that everyone is a narcissist today. But while narcissistic personality traits may abound, only an estimated 1-2% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Why does this matter?

It’s become way too easy to label your co-worker, boss, ex, or mother-in-law as a narcissist, but pathologizing behavior with labels is not always the best approach. By understanding the difference between the character traits and the disorder, we’re able to respond better with more mindfulness, compassion, and accuracy. We’re also able to know when and how to cautiously lean in with authenticity vs run for the hills.

Unlike NPD, narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and it is possible for an individual to exhibit narcissistic characteristics without being a true narcissist. The key here is severity, frequency, and motivation.

For instance, associating a positive self-image with the greater good is a natural part of psychological development – especially for children and adolescents. It’s normal for children and adolescents to have a bit of an inflated self-image and daydream about being superheroes, famous athletes, or inspirational musicians. Even for adults, it’s possible for extremely high self-esteem to be balanced with prosocial behaviors.

Of course, there is a difference between influence and exploitation, but the point is that more often than not, people are not narcissists – they’re emotionally immature or have a victim mindset.