As we practice living and functioning in our Healthy Adult, it becomes easier to notice all the emotional immaturity within and surrounding us. Why is it that so many adults (including ourselves sometimes) struggle with emotional regulation? Even when we try to be healthy, emotionally self-aware adults, why is it so easy to backslide/regress into emotional immaturity?

Emotional immaturity is an inability to understand, express, and manage emotions in an age-appropriate, responsible, and effective way. In The Adult Chair framework, emotional immaturity is often living from your Adolescent Chair – the part of you that is reactive, scared, stuck in survival mode, and dependent on others for emotional security and validation. Underneath it all, believe it or not, the ultimate need is to maintain safety and belonging.

Emotional maturity is living from the Healthy Adult, meaning, you’re grounded, curious, emotionally self-aware, and compassionate toward yourself and others. You respond to situations as an emotionally well-developed individual, and this is shown in the way you handle feedback, express empathy, and take responsibility.

Neediness is part of being human. We are born into this world desperately needy, and while we may become more independent as we age, we never outgrow our fundamental needs – physical and emotional. Throughout the course of our human experience, our mind is constantly sending us information about these needs, alerting us through physical cues. Our bodies deliver the signals, notifying us when we need food, water, a friend to laugh with, someone to hug, or even somewhere safe to run away.

What are we doing with these cues?

When we are hungry, we respond to the physical signals and seek food, but we often ignore or suppress signals of emotional need. Why? Why is it easy to stretch our tired muscles after a long day or drink some water when we’re thirsty but harder to meaningfully connect with others when we’re feeling lonely or vulnerable.

Emotional needs may be more complex than physical needs, but emotional needs are just as important and valid. Our emotional needs deserve our attention, so… let’s give it! Let’s explore how to understand and nurture our emotional needs through the mind-body connection.

The human spirit never ceases to amaze me. From the moment we are born, and our tiny lungs fill with our first breath of air, we are on the move. We reach out, curiously grasping at everything within reach, and as soon as we possibly can, we’re crawling. Walking. Then running.

And we don’t stop.

The seasons of life may shift and parts of who we are change, but the dreaming, hoping, and striving for the best of everything life has to offer remains constant. Whether it’s a relationship, promotion, lifestyle, or personal goal – we can become obsessed with everything we want to accomplish.

We want it all. All the peace. All the healing. All the financial security, beauty, and fun. And a tidy, flawlessly decorated home... And six-pack abs. (Because, why not?)

While chasing down our highest potential can be a positive thing, there is a breaking point.

Perfectionism is like a never-ending marathon where the finish line keeps getting pushed back. Behind every accomplishment is a newer, bigger, and ‘better’ goal. Yet for all the striving, the idealized future version of us with the immaculately curated life never fully materializes. Elusive and flawless, the dream of perfection keeps us exhausted and running.

In this latest blog, we do a deep dive into perfectionism… what it is, why we crave it, and the hidden cost of perfectionism. We’ll explore the difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist and close with five ways to pursue excellence without burning out.

Why?

When did the pursuit of self-improvement turn into an all-out mad dash toward perfection? When did we stop being content with good enough and make flawless the only acceptable standard?

Having everything ‘under control’ is so comforting – isn’t it? Most of us enjoy orchestrating our lives into neat, tidy, pleasant, and predictable moments, and we actively work to avoid the unpleasant and unpredictable.

However, the unpredictable is unavoidable. Life has a way of throwing curveballs at us, and when uncertainty strikes, it can feel like a rug has been pulled out from under us. In reality, uncertainty is constant and everywhere. It’s part of the human experience, and at some point, every one of us will have to deal with the reality of uncertainty.  

But, let’s be honest... Some types of uncertainty feel easier to cope with than others? For some reason, coping with some personal or professional uncertainty feels expected. Manageable even. But then there’s uncertainty regarding yours or a loved one’s health, uncertainty surrounding a gut-wrenching disappointment, or a major life transition that leaves you wondering… What now?

How do we mindfully navigate uncertainty? Uncertainty can certainly be difficult, but it can also be useful. There is a way to find the calm in a storm of uncertainty, and it begins with developing an appreciation for the benefits of uncertainty.

In my session work, my clients and I discuss how important relational health is to personal wellbeing. So, let’s do a short relational health exercise in our heads together right now.

Take a quick inventory of the top five or so people you care about most in your life. Think of the people you love most in the world – the relationships you prioritize over everything else – and answer the following questions:

·        Who do you gift your time, energy, and compassion to?

·        How do you express your love to these individuals?

·        In what ways do you prioritize them?

·        Last question… Did you include yourself on that list?

If you forgot to put yourself on the list, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with prioritizing self-love. But why? Let’s explore what self-love really is, what self-love is not, why it matters, how to practice self-love, and why loving ourselves feels so… selfish?

#DeepBreathIn #Exhale

Let’s dive in…

Well… New Year’s is here again. Time to change our hair, up the ante, make lofty, ‘life-changing’ goals, and then exhaust ourselves trying to accomplish those resolutions… Yay.

To be fair, sometimes this works. Depending on your personality, season of life, and other nuanced variables, the whole New Year, New Me thing could be fun and may even be feasible. But if the mere thought of New Year’s resolutions provokes a tired sigh from the depths of your being, then please know you are definitely not alone.

Pressure from elaborate New Year’s resolutions often leads to burnout, stress, or worse – inaccurate and unwarranted feelings of inadequacy. The truth is that sometimes those New Year’s goals simply aren’t achievable. There. I said it. And I don’t say that to disempower you or suggest your potential is limited. It’s not.

All I’m saying is, what if the goal you really need to set for yourself this year is to embrace who and where you are? Because there is a time and place for ambitious resolutions, but for many of us, setting realistic intentions instead of goals may be the far more mindful option.

When you see or hear the term generational trauma you likely think of the vices and not the virtues you may have inherited from your family. But what does this heavily charged term really mean? And if generational trauma is something you are currently carrying, how do you release and heal ancestral pain? How do you break the cycle?

Generational trauma, also known as transgenerational or intergenerational trauma, is a psychological term for trauma that is passed on to subsequent generations. Meaning, the trauma extends from one generation to the next. Think of the behavioral patterns and relational dynamics of the home you grew up in and ask yourself…

Was it a healthy home environment?

Did you feel safe?

Is history repeating itself in any way in your life – whether in your relationships, parenting style, or lifestyle?

Recovering from trauma is deeply rooted in healing and regulating the nervous system. This is because traumatic experiences override the nervous system’s ability to regulate itself. In response to trauma, you might feel paralyzed and shut down or experience a hypervigilant fight or flight mode. Trauma responses may be necessary for survival, but the body is not designed to live in survival mode long-term. If a dysregulated nervous system is left untreated and survival mode becomes the default state of being, the ripple effect on mental, emotional, physical, and relational well-being can be debilitating.

Polyvagal Theory explores the impact of trauma on the nervous system and provides us with a clear framework for understanding how to help our nervous system recover from trauma. To understand Polyvagal Theory, it’s helpful to know how the nervous system works.

The healing journey can feel very lonely sometimes, in part because personal growth requires inner work and significant soul searching. It is normal to experience a sense of isolation when the healing process draws your focus inward, but the healing process cannot be completed in isolation. Safe, authentic, relational connection is necessary for true healing and post-traumatic growth.

If you are experiencing an alone time, asking for help may seem counterintuitive. After all, who are you supposed to turn to? And how? And when? In this article, we’re going to make ‘asking for help’ a little less intimidating by going over what asking for help really means. We will explore when to ask for help, how to ask for help, and work through some of the top reasons why asking for help is so hard.

The topic of trauma is a big one, a personal one, and a challenging one, so before exploring this big, personal, challenging topic, let’s create a secure mental space – an observational place where we can feel safe while learning about this complex topic together.

There is healing power in learning about how our brains and bodies work, and how what happens to us impacts what is currently happening to us. The goal of this article is to demystify trauma and provide you with a complete, non-triggering overview on:

·        What trauma means

·        Types of trauma

·        Symptoms of trauma

·        The impact of trauma

·        Healing trauma

There is much I could say about the shadowy parts that live within each of us. My healing passport has many stamps from the shadowlands – or the ‘dark pit’ as I sometimes call it. I learned so much while traversing the untamed wilderness of my inner landscape and uncovered many deep truths about my life’s hardships.

The further I explored the shadows, the more my inner light was revealed, and I discovered that many parts of who I was were hiding within and behind the darkness – feeding me lies about who I was and my place in the world. I HAD to face those shadow parts, because they had no idea who I am today. I had to teach them, and I still teach them. I consciously choose over and over again to live from the truth of my Soul and not the lies of my Shadow.

Getting to know the unconscious parts of yourself requires digging deep. Sometimes that digging can be emotionally painful, but there is a reward hiding within Shadow Work…
Light. Truth. The you-est ¬you.

With that said, this overview will explore the powerful role of Shadow Work in the healing process.

How aware are you of the words you use to describe your life? Do you use harsh or overly critical language when describing aspects of your life? Do you overgeneralize and speak negative, limiting, or, frankly, untrue words to describe your entire life when really, it is just one or two aspects that may be less than ideal? If certain situations or experiences cause your thoughts to spiral into dysregulation, then this blog is for you. This post explores how to shift from anxiety and dread to a more relaxed and empowered state so you can take aligned action toward change.

Healing can be messy. ‘Doing the work’ is hard. Therapy/Coaching can be emotionally draining.

These are true statements, but friends, we need to talk. There are way too many myths and half-truths circulating about therapy and coaching and not enough clarity around what it means to ‘do the work.’ As a Licensed Therapist (LISW-CP), Certified Adult Chair Master Life Coach, and also someone who has personally participated in therapy and coaching, I want to dispel some of these myths and answer common questions about what it really means to ‘do the work.’

A victim mindset is a continuous feeling that unsafe forces beyond your influence are controlling your life. Someone with a victim mindset will continuously regard themselves as a victim, even if they are not currently being victimized. Over time, victimization can become a part of someone’s self-identity. If we inspect a little further though, we will discover that a victim mentality is a subconscious function of the Inner Adolescent. Feeling exploited, fooled, controlled, or undermined can understandably lead to intense feelings of doubt and mistrust – feelings which often trigger an Adolescent Chair response.

Who is the most authentic you? Get to know every part of who you are by exploring your top three inner voices: the Child, the Adolescent, and the Adult.