Forgiveness is arguably one of the most triggering topics, and not just within mental health spheres. In large part, I think the concept of forgiveness is so controversial because the word gets thrown around and misused so much. So, in this blog post, we’re going to define true forgiveness, get honest about why forgiveness is so hard, and talk about why forgiveness is integral to your growth and transformation.

But first… we need to clear the air. Before we explore how forgiveness can play a role in your healing journey, let’s get some crystal-clear disclaimers out on the table…

What forgiveness is NOT

There’s this notion that forgiveness somehow equals relational repair — especially in abusive relationships, traumatic situations, or in environments where there is intense religious or cultural pressure to reconcile. But that’s simply not true. Forgiveness does not automatically translate to trust or reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t equal access.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean approval.

• Forgiveness is not a platitude, and ‘forgive and forget’ is not a healthy, catch all solution.

• Forgiveness is not excusing the wrong. Nor is it saying that what happened was ‘okay.’

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you pretend not to be hurt or that it didn’t happen.

• Forgiveness doesn’t reclassify a serious offense as ‘a mere mistake.’

• Forgiveness is not a get out of jail free card and doesn’t relieve the offender of responsibility.

• Forgiveness is not a feeling.

• Forgiveness is NEVER justification for continued disrespect or abuse.

Forgiveness doesn’t automatically ‘fix’ everything. It doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t shrink the gaping wound that’s now there. But it can create space for your own internal healing and peace.

‍ Respectfully managed conflict is a green flag of healthy relationships. Seriously. I get a ‘red flag’ feel whenever I hear couples say they ‘never fight.’ Because the truth is, the strength of a relationship is not based on how well you get along, but more-so on how well you navigate conflict and repair the relationship after a rupture or disagreement.

Stick with me while we unpack how to manage relational conflict. We’ll dissect the do’s and don’ts of healthy arguing, learn how to ‘fight fair,’ and even explore some of the benefits of healthy conflict.

Let’s start with the basics…

Why does fighting fair matter?

Fighting fair matters because fighting is inevitable. And – when navigated respectfully – healthy. The Adult Chair framework gives us a strong foundation for analyzing the behind-the-scenes emotions of relational tension.

From the seat of the Adolescent Chair, fighting is… well, it’s the worst. When the Inner Child’s desire for love and acceptance arises, the Inner Adolescent will often take over and assume control in order to protect the Child from potential rejection. But the Inner Adolescent doesn’t have access to the adult tools necessary for navigating conflict in a healthy way.

In other words, the Inner adolescent doesn’t know how to ‘fight fair’ – so they rely on impulsivity and emotional reactivity. Driven by their ‘do it now’ mentality, their overwhelming sense of urgency, and their intense fear of being misunderstood, the Inner Adolescent navigates conflict the only way they know how utilizing the usual defense mechanisms – rage, blaming, overreactions, overt control, codependency, people pleasing, avoidance, etc.

This is why NOT fighting fair can feel so catastrophic – because it can trigger our Inner Adolescent. Once the Inner Adolescent takes the driver’s seat, the situation often gets worse. This is also why so many adults become conflict averse and avoid conflict just to ‘keep the peace.’ But the avoidance of conflict is not the same as peace.

If someone in the relationship is suppressing their feelings to ‘keep the peace,’ what they’re actually doing is avoiding authenticity. That type of withholding doesn’t produce real peace. It doesn’t build a healthy, happy relationship. It fuels resentment and creates further disconnection.

Neediness is part of being human. We are born into this world desperately needy, and while we may become more independent as we age, we never outgrow our fundamental needs – physical and emotional. Throughout the course of our human experience, our mind is constantly sending us information about these needs, alerting us through physical cues. Our bodies deliver the signals, notifying us when we need food, water, a friend to laugh with, someone to hug, or even somewhere safe to run away.

What are we doing with these cues?

When we are hungry, we respond to the physical signals and seek food, but we often ignore or suppress signals of emotional need. Why? Why is it easy to stretch our tired muscles after a long day or drink some water when we’re thirsty but harder to meaningfully connect with others when we’re feeling lonely or vulnerable.

Emotional needs may be more complex than physical needs, but emotional needs are just as important and valid. Our emotional needs deserve our attention, so… let’s give it! Let’s explore how to understand and nurture our emotional needs through the mind-body connection.

The human spirit never ceases to amaze me. From the moment we are born, and our tiny lungs fill with our first breath of air, we are on the move. We reach out, curiously grasping at everything within reach, and as soon as we possibly can, we’re crawling. Walking. Then running.

And we don’t stop.

The seasons of life may shift and parts of who we are change, but the dreaming, hoping, and striving for the best of everything life has to offer remains constant. Whether it’s a relationship, promotion, lifestyle, or personal goal – we can become obsessed with everything we want to accomplish.

We want it all. All the peace. All the healing. All the financial security, beauty, and fun. And a tidy, flawlessly decorated home... And six-pack abs. (Because, why not?)

While chasing down our highest potential can be a positive thing, there is a breaking point.

Perfectionism is like a never-ending marathon where the finish line keeps getting pushed back. Behind every accomplishment is a newer, bigger, and ‘better’ goal. Yet for all the striving, the idealized future version of us with the immaculately curated life never fully materializes. Elusive and flawless, the dream of perfection keeps us exhausted and running.

In this latest blog, we do a deep dive into perfectionism… what it is, why we crave it, and the hidden cost of perfectionism. We’ll explore the difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist and close with five ways to pursue excellence without burning out.

Why?

When did the pursuit of self-improvement turn into an all-out mad dash toward perfection? When did we stop being content with good enough and make flawless the only acceptable standard?

Having everything ‘under control’ is so comforting – isn’t it? Most of us enjoy orchestrating our lives into neat, tidy, pleasant, and predictable moments, and we actively work to avoid the unpleasant and unpredictable.

However, the unpredictable is unavoidable. Life has a way of throwing curveballs at us, and when uncertainty strikes, it can feel like a rug has been pulled out from under us. In reality, uncertainty is constant and everywhere. It’s part of the human experience, and at some point, every one of us will have to deal with the reality of uncertainty.  

But, let’s be honest... Some types of uncertainty feel easier to cope with than others? For some reason, coping with some personal or professional uncertainty feels expected. Manageable even. But then there’s uncertainty regarding yours or a loved one’s health, uncertainty surrounding a gut-wrenching disappointment, or a major life transition that leaves you wondering… What now?

How do we mindfully navigate uncertainty? Uncertainty can certainly be difficult, but it can also be useful. There is a way to find the calm in a storm of uncertainty, and it begins with developing an appreciation for the benefits of uncertainty.

The healing journey can feel very lonely sometimes, in part because personal growth requires inner work and significant soul searching. It is normal to experience a sense of isolation when the healing process draws your focus inward, but the healing process cannot be completed in isolation. Safe, authentic, relational connection is necessary for true healing and post-traumatic growth.

If you are experiencing an alone time, asking for help may seem counterintuitive. After all, who are you supposed to turn to? And how? And when? In this article, we’re going to make ‘asking for help’ a little less intimidating by going over what asking for help really means. We will explore when to ask for help, how to ask for help, and work through some of the top reasons why asking for help is so hard.

The topic of trauma is a big one, a personal one, and a challenging one, so before exploring this big, personal, challenging topic, let’s create a secure mental space – an observational place where we can feel safe while learning about this complex topic together.

There is healing power in learning about how our brains and bodies work, and how what happens to us impacts what is currently happening to us. The goal of this article is to demystify trauma and provide you with a complete, non-triggering overview on:

·        What trauma means

·        Types of trauma

·        Symptoms of trauma

·        The impact of trauma

·        Healing trauma

There is much I could say about the shadowy parts that live within each of us. My healing passport has many stamps from the shadowlands – or the ‘dark pit’ as I sometimes call it. I learned so much while traversing the untamed wilderness of my inner landscape and uncovered many deep truths about my life’s hardships.

The further I explored the shadows, the more my inner light was revealed, and I discovered that many parts of who I was were hiding within and behind the darkness – feeding me lies about who I was and my place in the world. I HAD to face those shadow parts, because they had no idea who I am today. I had to teach them, and I still teach them. I consciously choose over and over again to live from the truth of my Soul and not the lies of my Shadow.

Getting to know the unconscious parts of yourself requires digging deep. Sometimes that digging can be emotionally painful, but there is a reward hiding within Shadow Work…
Light. Truth. The you-est ¬you.

With that said, this overview will explore the powerful role of Shadow Work in the healing process.

There comes a point in the healing process where everything changes. Everything.

Absolutely nothing is as it used to be. You’re not like you used to be. And you question everything you thought you knew. In the midst of all the confusion, you begin to realize that the old you – the you who started the healing journey – is no longer who you are today.

Friends… this is often the most painful part of healing.

So, what do you do when you’re no longer a caterpillar, but not yet a butterfly? What do you do when you feel stuck in the transformational middle between death and rebirth? What do you do when everything you are feels like a pile of goo wrapped in a thin, fragile chrysalis and your exposed, sensitive heart is full of uncertainty?

Healing can be messy. ‘Doing the work’ is hard. Therapy/Coaching can be emotionally draining.

These are true statements, but friends, we need to talk. There are way too many myths and half-truths circulating about therapy and coaching and not enough clarity around what it means to ‘do the work.’ As a Licensed Therapist (LISW-CP), Certified Adult Chair Master Life Coach, and also someone who has personally participated in therapy and coaching, I want to dispel some of these myths and answer common questions about what it really means to ‘do the work.’

A victim mindset is a continuous feeling that unsafe forces beyond your influence are controlling your life. Someone with a victim mindset will continuously regard themselves as a victim, even if they are not currently being victimized. Over time, victimization can become a part of someone’s self-identity. If we inspect a little further though, we will discover that a victim mentality is a subconscious function of the Inner Adolescent. Feeling exploited, fooled, controlled, or undermined can understandably lead to intense feelings of doubt and mistrust – feelings which often trigger an Adolescent Chair response.

Most humans will muse over existential questions at some point in their life, and while we cannot provide perfectly satisfying answers to these tough questions, we can absolutely search our own hearts, reflect on our personal life experiences, and produce a potential solution to what many call, the ‘problem of pain.’

How to practice gratitude, easy gratitude practice ideas, and 5 ways to navigate difficult times with gratitude.