Have you wondered why certain people make you feel safe but others make you feel on edge? How in certain environments you might shrink and get quiet? One particular person may make you feel jittery, anxious, or drained, but another individual will bring out your humorous or relaxed side?

There’s a reason why we connect – or don’t connect – with others the way we do. And the explanation has much to do with our attachment style.

What is an attachment style?

An attachment style is the way we connect or relate to others in relationships and reflects the initial way we learned to form relational bonds. Starting in infancy, we developed patterns of behavior for how we navigate relationships – especially close ones. These early interactions formed the foundation of our attachment style. Consequently, they help explain why we experience and navigate life the way we do.

Why attachment styles matter?

The way we seek relational closeness, safety, and comfort are biologically driven survival mechanisms, and our first attachment experiences, often with caregivers, are powerfully influential. Much like a blueprint or imprint, early attachment experiences lay the foundation for how we relate and connect with others in adulthood.

“If you’re good, I’m good. If you’re not ok, then I’m not either.”

Codependency is exhausting.Feeling like your emotional wellbeing is dependent on someone else can feel terrifying. And organizing your life around someone else in order to feel the connection you crave, simply… doesn’t… work.

Friends, in this post, we’re going to deconstruct codependency – what it is, how it originates, attachment styles, relational dynamics, and how to break the cycle. Rest assured, I know how sensitive this topic can be. Codependent thoughts, feelings, and behaviors often come from a wounded place, so we’ll be walking through this topic very gently together.

In a nutshell, codependency is, “Your mood determines my mood.” Codependency is an inward orientation toward building external intimacy with others. In other words, it’s the practice of making yourself feel better by being overwhelmingly preoccupied with someone else.

Codependency is often the external manifestation of the subconscious belief that by focusing hard enough on what other people are thinking, feeling, saying or doing, you’ll be better able to control or manage the external environment to calm internal anxiety.