‍ Respectfully managed conflict is a green flag of healthy relationships. Seriously. I get a ‘red flag’ feel whenever I hear couples say they ‘never fight.’ Because the truth is, the strength of a relationship is not based on how well you get along, but more-so on how well you navigate conflict and repair the relationship after a rupture or disagreement.

Stick with me while we unpack how to manage relational conflict. We’ll dissect the do’s and don’ts of healthy arguing, learn how to ‘fight fair,’ and even explore some of the benefits of healthy conflict.

Let’s start with the basics…

Why does fighting fair matter?

Fighting fair matters because fighting is inevitable. And – when navigated respectfully – healthy. The Adult Chair framework gives us a strong foundation for analyzing the behind-the-scenes emotions of relational tension.

From the seat of the Adolescent Chair, fighting is… well, it’s the worst. When the Inner Child’s desire for love and acceptance arises, the Inner Adolescent will often take over and assume control in order to protect the Child from potential rejection. But the Inner Adolescent doesn’t have access to the adult tools necessary for navigating conflict in a healthy way.

In other words, the Inner adolescent doesn’t know how to ‘fight fair’ – so they rely on impulsivity and emotional reactivity. Driven by their ‘do it now’ mentality, their overwhelming sense of urgency, and their intense fear of being misunderstood, the Inner Adolescent navigates conflict the only way they know how utilizing the usual defense mechanisms – rage, blaming, overreactions, overt control, codependency, people pleasing, avoidance, etc.

This is why NOT fighting fair can feel so catastrophic – because it can trigger our Inner Adolescent. Once the Inner Adolescent takes the driver’s seat, the situation often gets worse. This is also why so many adults become conflict averse and avoid conflict just to ‘keep the peace.’ But the avoidance of conflict is not the same as peace.

If someone in the relationship is suppressing their feelings to ‘keep the peace,’ what they’re actually doing is avoiding authenticity. That type of withholding doesn’t produce real peace. It doesn’t build a healthy, happy relationship. It fuels resentment and creates further disconnection.

“If you’re good, I’m good. If you’re not ok, then I’m not either.”

Codependency is exhausting.Feeling like your emotional wellbeing is dependent on someone else can feel terrifying. And organizing your life around someone else in order to feel the connection you crave, simply… doesn’t… work.

Friends, in this post, we’re going to deconstruct codependency – what it is, how it originates, attachment styles, relational dynamics, and how to break the cycle. Rest assured, I know how sensitive this topic can be. Codependent thoughts, feelings, and behaviors often come from a wounded place, so we’ll be walking through this topic very gently together.

In a nutshell, codependency is, “Your mood determines my mood.” Codependency is an inward orientation toward building external intimacy with others. In other words, it’s the practice of making yourself feel better by being overwhelmingly preoccupied with someone else.

Codependency is often the external manifestation of the subconscious belief that by focusing hard enough on what other people are thinking, feeling, saying or doing, you’ll be better able to control or manage the external environment to calm internal anxiety.