Have you wondered why certain people make you feel safe but others make you feel on edge? How in certain environments you might shrink and get quiet? One particular person may make you feel jittery, anxious, or drained, but another individual will bring out your humorous or relaxed side?

There’s a reason why we connect – or don’t connect – with others the way we do. And the explanation has much to do with our attachment style.

What is an attachment style?

An attachment style is the way we connect or relate to others in relationships and reflects the initial way we learned to form relational bonds. Starting in infancy, we developed patterns of behavior for how we navigate relationships – especially close ones. These early interactions formed the foundation of our attachment style. Consequently, they help explain why we experience and navigate life the way we do.

Why attachment styles matter?

The way we seek relational closeness, safety, and comfort are biologically driven survival mechanisms, and our first attachment experiences, often with caregivers, are powerfully influential. Much like a blueprint or imprint, early attachment experiences lay the foundation for how we relate and connect with others in adulthood.

“If you’re good, I’m good. If you’re not ok, then I’m not either.”

Codependency is exhausting.Feeling like your emotional wellbeing is dependent on someone else can feel terrifying. And organizing your life around someone else in order to feel the connection you crave, simply… doesn’t… work.

Friends, in this post, we’re going to deconstruct codependency – what it is, how it originates, attachment styles, relational dynamics, and how to break the cycle. Rest assured, I know how sensitive this topic can be. Codependent thoughts, feelings, and behaviors often come from a wounded place, so we’ll be walking through this topic very gently together.

In a nutshell, codependency is, “Your mood determines my mood.” Codependency is an inward orientation toward building external intimacy with others. In other words, it’s the practice of making yourself feel better by being overwhelmingly preoccupied with someone else.

Codependency is often the external manifestation of the subconscious belief that by focusing hard enough on what other people are thinking, feeling, saying or doing, you’ll be better able to control or manage the external environment to calm internal anxiety.

A quick scroll on social media may lead you to believe that everyone is a narcissist today. But while narcissistic personality traits may abound, only an estimated 1-2% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Why does this matter?

It’s become way too easy to label your co-worker, boss, ex, or mother-in-law as a narcissist, but pathologizing behavior with labels is not always the best approach. By understanding the difference between the character traits and the disorder, we’re able to respond better with more mindfulness, compassion, and accuracy. We’re also able to know when and how to cautiously lean in with authenticity vs run for the hills.

Unlike NPD, narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and it is possible for an individual to exhibit narcissistic characteristics without being a true narcissist. The key here is severity, frequency, and motivation.

For instance, associating a positive self-image with the greater good is a natural part of psychological development – especially for children and adolescents. It’s normal for children and adolescents to have a bit of an inflated self-image and daydream about being superheroes, famous athletes, or inspirational musicians. Even for adults, it’s possible for extremely high self-esteem to be balanced with prosocial behaviors.

Of course, there is a difference between influence and exploitation, but the point is that more often than not, people are not narcissists – they’re emotionally immature or have a victim mindset.

As we practice living and functioning in our Healthy Adult, it becomes easier to notice all the emotional immaturity within and surrounding us. Why is it that so many adults (including ourselves sometimes) struggle with emotional regulation? Even when we try to be healthy, emotionally self-aware adults, why is it so easy to backslide/regress into emotional immaturity?

Emotional immaturity is an inability to understand, express, and manage emotions in an age-appropriate, responsible, and effective way. In The Adult Chair framework, emotional immaturity is often living from your Adolescent Chair – the part of you that is reactive, scared, stuck in survival mode, and dependent on others for emotional security and validation. Underneath it all, believe it or not, the ultimate need is to maintain safety and belonging.

Emotional maturity is living from the Healthy Adult, meaning, you’re grounded, curious, emotionally self-aware, and compassionate toward yourself and others. You respond to situations as an emotionally well-developed individual, and this is shown in the way you handle feedback, express empathy, and take responsibility.