When it comes to transformation, healing and growth are kindred spirits. It’s impossible to have one without the other. But there is a third part of transformation that often gets overlooked.

Hidden grief.

While growth is worthy of celebration and change can be a very positive thing, it’s normal for there to be intense sadness surrounding what we give up as we evolve. Honestly, this is sometimes why we don’t change. This is why we stay in unhealthy relationships, delay that career change, postpone declaring and living out our truth, or keep forcing a friendship, even as it’s fading away…

Because it hurts to say goodbye to the familiar – even if it is a bit dysfunctional. It’s hard to sacrifice the comfort of an old identity and embrace the authentic reality that’s knocking on the door. And it’s downright painful to give up reliable coping mechanisms and comfort zones we were so attached to, even if they’ve been keeping us stuck.

But what if we held space for both transformation and grief? What if we bring hidden grief out of the shadows and honor it by mourning the loss of what once was (or what never was), even as we continue to pursue alignment?

Forgiveness is arguably one of the most triggering topics, and not just within mental health spheres. In large part, I think the concept of forgiveness is so controversial because the word gets thrown around and misused so much. So, in this blog post, we’re going to define true forgiveness, get honest about why forgiveness is so hard, and talk about why forgiveness is integral to your growth and transformation.

But first… we need to clear the air. Before we explore how forgiveness can play a role in your healing journey, let’s get some crystal-clear disclaimers out on the table…

What forgiveness is NOT

There’s this notion that forgiveness somehow equals relational repair — especially in abusive relationships, traumatic situations, or in environments where there is intense religious or cultural pressure to reconcile. But that’s simply not true. Forgiveness does not automatically translate to trust or reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t equal access.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean approval.

• Forgiveness is not a platitude, and ‘forgive and forget’ is not a healthy, catch all solution.

• Forgiveness is not excusing the wrong. Nor is it saying that what happened was ‘okay.’

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you pretend not to be hurt or that it didn’t happen.

• Forgiveness doesn’t reclassify a serious offense as ‘a mere mistake.’

• Forgiveness is not a get out of jail free card and doesn’t relieve the offender of responsibility.

• Forgiveness is not a feeling.

• Forgiveness is NEVER justification for continued disrespect or abuse.

Forgiveness doesn’t automatically ‘fix’ everything. It doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t shrink the gaping wound that’s now there. But it can create space for your own internal healing and peace.