‍ Respectfully managed conflict is a green flag of healthy relationships. Seriously. I get a ‘red flag’ feel whenever I hear couples say they ‘never fight.’ Because the truth is, the strength of a relationship is not based on how well you get along, but more-so on how well you navigate conflict and repair the relationship after a rupture or disagreement.

Stick with me while we unpack how to manage relational conflict. We’ll dissect the do’s and don’ts of healthy arguing, learn how to ‘fight fair,’ and even explore some of the benefits of healthy conflict.

Let’s start with the basics…

Why does fighting fair matter?

Fighting fair matters because fighting is inevitable. And – when navigated respectfully – healthy. The Adult Chair framework gives us a strong foundation for analyzing the behind-the-scenes emotions of relational tension.

From the seat of the Adolescent Chair, fighting is… well, it’s the worst. When the Inner Child’s desire for love and acceptance arises, the Inner Adolescent will often take over and assume control in order to protect the Child from potential rejection. But the Inner Adolescent doesn’t have access to the adult tools necessary for navigating conflict in a healthy way.

In other words, the Inner adolescent doesn’t know how to ‘fight fair’ – so they rely on impulsivity and emotional reactivity. Driven by their ‘do it now’ mentality, their overwhelming sense of urgency, and their intense fear of being misunderstood, the Inner Adolescent navigates conflict the only way they know how utilizing the usual defense mechanisms – rage, blaming, overreactions, overt control, codependency, people pleasing, avoidance, etc.

This is why NOT fighting fair can feel so catastrophic – because it can trigger our Inner Adolescent. Once the Inner Adolescent takes the driver’s seat, the situation often gets worse. This is also why so many adults become conflict averse and avoid conflict just to ‘keep the peace.’ But the avoidance of conflict is not the same as peace.

If someone in the relationship is suppressing their feelings to ‘keep the peace,’ what they’re actually doing is avoiding authenticity. That type of withholding doesn’t produce real peace. It doesn’t build a healthy, happy relationship. It fuels resentment and creates further disconnection.

A victim mindset is a continuous feeling that unsafe forces beyond your influence are controlling your life. Someone with a victim mindset will continuously regard themselves as a victim, even if they are not currently being victimized. Over time, victimization can become a part of someone’s self-identity. If we inspect a little further though, we will discover that a victim mentality is a subconscious function of the Inner Adolescent. Feeling exploited, fooled, controlled, or undermined can understandably lead to intense feelings of doubt and mistrust – feelings which often trigger an Adolescent Chair response.