‍ Respectfully managed conflict is a green flag of healthy relationships. Seriously. I get a ‘red flag’ feel whenever I hear couples say they ‘never fight.’ Because the truth is, the strength of a relationship is not based on how well you get along, but more-so on how well you navigate conflict and repair the relationship after a rupture or disagreement.

Stick with me while we unpack how to manage relational conflict. We’ll dissect the do’s and don’ts of healthy arguing, learn how to ‘fight fair,’ and even explore some of the benefits of healthy conflict.

Let’s start with the basics…

Why does fighting fair matter?

Fighting fair matters because fighting is inevitable. And – when navigated respectfully – healthy. The Adult Chair framework gives us a strong foundation for analyzing the behind-the-scenes emotions of relational tension.

From the seat of the Adolescent Chair, fighting is… well, it’s the worst. When the Inner Child’s desire for love and acceptance arises, the Inner Adolescent will often take over and assume control in order to protect the Child from potential rejection. But the Inner Adolescent doesn’t have access to the adult tools necessary for navigating conflict in a healthy way.

In other words, the Inner adolescent doesn’t know how to ‘fight fair’ – so they rely on impulsivity and emotional reactivity. Driven by their ‘do it now’ mentality, their overwhelming sense of urgency, and their intense fear of being misunderstood, the Inner Adolescent navigates conflict the only way they know how utilizing the usual defense mechanisms – rage, blaming, overreactions, overt control, codependency, people pleasing, avoidance, etc.

This is why NOT fighting fair can feel so catastrophic – because it can trigger our Inner Adolescent. Once the Inner Adolescent takes the driver’s seat, the situation often gets worse. This is also why so many adults become conflict averse and avoid conflict just to ‘keep the peace.’ But the avoidance of conflict is not the same as peace.

If someone in the relationship is suppressing their feelings to ‘keep the peace,’ what they’re actually doing is avoiding authenticity. That type of withholding doesn’t produce real peace. It doesn’t build a healthy, happy relationship. It fuels resentment and creates further disconnection.

How do you feel when you think about the holidays? Does the mere mention of the festive season fill you with hopeful anticipation for glad tidings with great joy? Or does it trigger an eyeroll and a deep sigh of pre-holiday stress?

If the life season you are currently experiencing vibes well with the holiday season, that’s great! But if your emotional calendar is not syncing up with the holiday calendar – completely understandable! From seasonal joy to seasonal anxiety, the holidays can cause an array of complex emotions. Doing and being everything for everyone can be overwhelming, and around the holidays it can be easy to let self-care fall to the bottom of the to-do list. However, as you search for the perfect gift for everyone else, please remember to give yourself the precious gift of self-care.


“You are too emotional” and “stop being so emotional” are two phrases I deeply dislike. Emotions often get a bad reputation, and many people tend to treat emotions like unwelcome guests or something to be suppressed and ignored rather than embraced and valued. While emotions may appear inconvenient, I want you to know you are not ‘too much,’ and your emotions matter. They matter very much.